If you can't decide whether or not to take your husband's name, Salon.com advice columnist Cary Tennis has something to say that should help. Click here: Should I take my husband's name?
If you have already decided whether or not to take your husband's name, you should read this anyway. Click here: Should I take my husband's name?
If you are breathing: Should I take my husband's name?
Brilliant.
Period.
Give your rings the personal touch they deserve! One couple I know met during travels in India. When he returned to his hometown of Milan, Italy, and she returned to California, they resumed contact through email which led to trips to visit each other and eventually marriage. So for their wedding ceremony, they decided to take an old laptop computer and cut out the center keys. In the space created, a vibrant piece of fabric was laid in for the wedding rings. The ring bearer carried the laptop to the bride and groom just before they said their vows and ceremoniously opened it to reveal the sparkling wedding bands.
Instead of the traditional ring pillow, consider a personal alternative limited only by your imagination:
- decoupage a treasure box with photocopies of a love letter from your fiance
- tie your rings with ribbon to a beautiful stone or piece of tumbled glass you found on a beach walk together
- make a cut out in the center of your favorite book of poetry
- use that fabulous bird's nest your kitty found in the backyard
- put your rings in an exquisite, heirloom evening bag (a good way to honor the grandma's memory without having to say a word)
- use a small, artsy, blown-glass bowl that you can later fill with candy kisses and keep out on the coffee table
Outdoor wedding? Be sure to get hurricane lamps to put over your candles if you're going to do a traditional unity candle lighting ceremony. Odds are excellent that you will otherwise end up very frustrated and embarrassed trying to light your candles and keep them lit, in even the slightest breeze. The hurricane lanterns will help protect the candles from the wind, but you still need to be quick and nimble in lighting the candles and getting the lids off and on.
Consider alternatives to the traditional unity candle:
- two colors of sand, combined into one clear glass bowl
- a small sip of wine from a new, family goblet
- an exchange of bouquets of flowers
I first learned about the need for alternatives to unity candles when my own wouldn't stay lit at my outdoor wedding. Since that time, I have learned to suggest to my brides that if they want to use a candle for the unification ritual, they need to make sure it's put into a large hurricane lantern so it's sheltered from the wind.
But how about alternatives to fighting the wind? One is to pass around a beautiful goblet filled with wine so that each participating family member may take a small sip. Sharing a drink of wine has been a ceremonial ritual for eons but it's not often used in this way, so it offers a new take on an old tradition.
Or if you want to be really fun, let the "celebration" begin right in the middle of your ceremony. Have someone carry in a tray of champagne glasses. Invite the pre-designated family members to come forward to share in the unification ritual of clinking glasses, as one person reads:
"To the unification of our two families. May it be peaceful and loving. May we always demonstrate the respect for each other than we want for ourselves. May we each share the best of our unique qualities for the benefit of the whole. And may our times together be abundantly joyful."
Cheers! A champagne unification!
Creating a ceremonial element out of signing a marriage contract amplifies your public committment to one another and deepens the role of your witnesses.
Here's how:
Have your officiant read your Marriage Contract, or Ketubah (see 7/26/05 entry titled "The Art of the Marriage Contract"), after you have each recited your vows. Then the officiant invites the bride and groom to each take a turn signing the contract containing the vows. Use a pen you've chosen especially for this purpose.
Next, give several family members or friends an honorary role and invite them to sign it after you do. Or, as one bride I worked with did, leave the Ketubah out on a special table after your ceremony for ALL of the guests to sign during your reception. This is even better than a guest book!
The Marriage Contract can created on your computer and printed out onto a piece of linen resume paper. After the ceremony, it may be framed and placed next to your wedding photo in your house. Crafty brides may want to do something more elaborate and artful with the contract itself and then put it into a shadow box on display with other keepsake objects from the wedding.
Questions? or variations on this idea that you wish to share? Click on the comments link below and do tell!
Thinking long and hard about "officially" changing your name? Did you know that there is nothing "official" about it?
Except for the Social Security Administration (soon to be extinct), there is no government agency that cares to know whether or not you are, have, or will ever be taking the name of your beloved as your own. When you apply for your marriage license, the relevant documents will be printed with your "maiden" name on it. The clerk will not inquire as to whether or not you will be changing your name and there is no special box to check. Then, when you receive your "official" marriage certificate from the county clerk after your wedding, a record of your marriage will now be housed in a new governmental cyber file, but your name will remain unchanged. No pomp and circumstance. Just the personal option to let your bill collectors know what to call you and where to find you in the here after your wedding date. Your mom, friends and business colleagues may be interested to know if they should now call you by another name, but you are not officially obligated to inform them. Official line on name changing? Nothing "official" about it. Nuh-thing!
This is shocking news for many brides. And rather disappointing for those who have toiled over what to do, coming to a decision only weeks before their wedding date. But don't let that distract you from deepening your celebration. I recommend a "Name Changing Ceremony" within your wedding ceremony.
Taking a new name is a widely respected rite of passage. In spiritual traditions around the globe, teachers will give the student a new name as a bridge to a new beginning or as an acknowledgment of taking on a new way of life with deep commitment. Marriage sure constitutes a whole new way of life and definitely requires abiding dedication, so changing your name in the name of marriage deserves special attention.
Ideas for a "Name Changing Ceremony" will be posted soon.
I'm always fascinated when brides and grooms say to me that they want a "traditional" wedding. If weddings are traced back to their roots, we find that women were stolen from villages to become brides. The "groomsmen" were the men who accompanied the abductor with swords and knives to make sure the abduction of the bride was successful. The "bridesmaids" were the women in the new household to whom the bride became a slave. The "bouquet" was meant to hide the fact that brides were smelly; bathing wasn't as common as it is today.
And believe it or not, this kind of "tradition" still exists in some places in the world. Filmmaker Petr Lom's PBS film, "The Kidnapped Bride," documents his travels to Kyrgyzstan, where an ancient "tradition" of bride kidnapping, banned by the Soviets, is resurgent now that Kyrgyzstan is no longer under Russian rule. Young women are kidnapped right off the street -- sometimes because the male abductor wants to get married and likes her looks; sometimes because his mother insists he go down the mountain and into the city to kidnap a bride --because she, the mother, needs help tending the sheep!
Back here in the U.S., I think what really lies behind today's couples' longing for tradition is the desire to feel grounded in the experience of becoming married. To feel as though when the day comes, you are stepping onto a well-built platform that will remain sturdy over time. So, rather than turning to old-time rituals, simply examine the values and behaviors that make your partnership work and the ways of loving each other that have called you to marriage. These are your personal "traditions"! Naming your principles for partnership and ritualizing them in uniquely personal ways is what sets up that stabilizing foundation for your marriage. This is how you create an authentic feeling of groundedness on your wedding day.
So, for those who think they want a "traditional wedding," consider carefully how you define "wedding tradition."
An interview with documentary filmmaker Petr Lom on "The Kidnapped Bride ":http://www.pbs.org/frontlineworld/stories/kyrgyzstan/
It's true! In the 1500s, most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty decent by June. But just to be safe, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide their body odor. Hence the custom of carrying a bouquet when walking down the aisle!
Is this tradition fitting for YOU?
Consider these questions to put a personal and updated stamp on a smelly old tradition: What is it about carrying a bouquet that appeals to you in this day and age? How did you choose the kinds of flowers you will carry? What is it about them that makes them your favorite? Does the color or variety have special significance to you, your groom or your family? You can use your answers to write up a brief explanation for your officiant, or one of your bridesmaids, to read during your ceremony. The result makes new and relevant meaning of an otherwise outdated tradition -- and will keep your guests from falling asleep after seeing the same "tradition" repeated for the umpteenth time.
