Fresh Bride

Gratitude for my mani-pedi.

It never ceases to amaze me where ideas can show up.  While I was getting a mani-pedi today, sitting in one of those over-sized massage chairs with the swirling foot bath and a fabulous color of pink being painted on my nails, I was thinking about how lucky I was to be sitting there.  I wondered how many women in the world don't have the luxury of such treatment, and have never even heard of a "mani-pedi."  I was feeling very grateful for my life.  And then this idea came.

Wouldn't it be interesting to watch a ceremony that opened with the  bride and groom each taking a turn to say something about the gratitude they are feeling. These "Gratitude Offerings" would be the very first words spoken in the ceremony. Just a sentence or two (written on a pretty little card to read from) would ease you into your ceremony with a heart-opening tone and an opportunity for a little playfulness to set everyone at ease.

Here's an example of what I imagined:

Bride:  I am so grateful to be here today and for all the things that brought me here:  my parents, the good fortune of meeting my perfect mate, and the friends who have supported me through all my planning angst.  Today, I am also particularly grateful for my wedding dress, the fact that my groom let me pick out his suit, the food we will eat, and the joy to be shared. 

Groom:  I too feel grateful today -- for the chance to be a worthy partner to someone who is so good to me, for the fact that she didn't make me wear a tuxedo, for my basketball buddies, our dog Xenon, and for all of you, for coming to share our wedding day with us.

"Gratitude Offerings."  Whatcha think?

The Secret to Writing Vows.

What secrets are you keeping from your mate?  We all have secrets!  It's only human.  No problem with this.  However, you should know what would make you feel safe enough to share them with your partner.  And that is what wedding vows are made of.

Here's a short exercise to turn deeply-held secrets into powerful vows:

1.  Privately, make a list of all your secrets. Call this list "A."

2.  Ask yourself this question:

"What would it take to make me feel safe enough to share all my secrets with my fiance?" 

Write down lots of answers.  Call this list "B." 

3.  Now, share List "B" with your partner. Have a really generous conversation about what makes you feel so safe in your relationship that you can talk about anything.

Discover what you have in common. Consider, without judgement, the ways you are different.  Learn what your partner needs in order to confidently trust you. Define how you can offer your partner what is needed.

4.  Together, write down at least 3 very clear statements that say exactly how you will work to create that safe environment. These statements are vows.  Voila!

What's In A Name?

Thinking long and hard about "officially" changing your name?  Did you know that there is nothing "official" about it? 

Except for the Social Security Administration (soon to be extinct), there is no government agency that cares to know whether or not you are, have, or will ever be taking the name of your beloved as your own.  When you apply for your marriage license, the relevant documents will be printed with your "maiden" name on it.  The clerk will not inquire as to whether or not you will be changing your name and there is no special box to check. Then, when you receive your "official" marriage certificate from the county clerk after your wedding, a record of your marriage will now be housed in a new governmental cyber file, but your name will remain unchanged.  No pomp and circumstance. Just the personal option to let your bill collectors know what to call you and where to find you in the here after your wedding date.  Your mom, friends and  business colleagues may be interested to know if they should now call you by another name, but you are not officially obligated to inform them. Official line on name changing?  Nothing "official" about it. Nuh-thing!

This is shocking news for many brides. And rather disappointing for those who have toiled over what to do, coming to a decision only weeks before their wedding date.  But don't let that distract you from deepening your celebration.  I recommend a "Name Changing Ceremony" within your wedding ceremony.

Taking a new name is a widely respected rite of passage.  In spiritual traditions around the globe, teachers will give the student a new name as a bridge to a new beginning or as an acknowledgment of taking on a new way of life with deep commitment.  Marriage sure constitutes a whole new way of life and definitely requires abiding dedication, so changing your name in the name of marriage deserves special attention. 

Ideas for a "Name Changing Ceremony" will be posted soon. 

Bride Abductions & The Longing for "Tradition"

I'm always fascinated when brides and grooms say to me that they want a "traditional" wedding. If weddings are traced back to their roots, we find that women were stolen from villages to become brides. The "groomsmen" were the men who accompanied the abductor with swords and knives to make sure the abduction of the bride was successful. The "bridesmaids" were the women in the new household to whom the bride became a slave. The "bouquet" was meant to hide the fact that brides were smelly; bathing wasn't as common as it is today.

And believe it or not, this kind of "tradition" still exists in some places in the world. Filmmaker Petr Lom's PBS film, "The Kidnapped Bride," documents his travels to Kyrgyzstan, where an ancient "tradition" of bride kidnapping, banned by the Soviets, is resurgent now that Kyrgyzstan is no longer under Russian rule. Young women are kidnapped right off the street -- sometimes because the male abductor wants to get married and likes her looks; sometimes because his mother insists he go down the mountain and into the city to kidnap a bride --because she, the mother, needs help tending the sheep!

Back here in the U.S., I think what really lies behind today's couples' longing for tradition is the desire to feel grounded in the experience of becoming married. To feel as though when the day comes, you are stepping onto a well-built platform that will remain sturdy over time. So, rather than turning to old-time rituals, simply examine the values and behaviors that make your partnership work and the ways of loving each other that have called you to marriage. These are your personal "traditions"! Naming your principles for partnership and ritualizing them in uniquely personal ways is what sets up that stabilizing foundation for your marriage. This is how you create an authentic feeling of groundedness on your wedding day.

So, for those who think they want a "traditional wedding," consider carefully how you define "wedding tradition."


An interview with documentary filmmaker Petr Lom on "The Kidnapped Bride ":http://www.pbs.org/frontlineworld/stories/kyrgyzstan/

Vows & The Conspiring Universe.

"At the moment of commitment, the universe conspires to assist you." -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.

Have you ever noticed this to be true in your life? When you really, truly made a firm decision to do something that you deeply felt in your heart, it became so? How is it that this can happen? And how can pondering this experience assist you in writing your own vows?

If marriage is the ultimate commitment, carefully consider this question: Specifically, what is it you are committing TO? (What is your idea of marriage?) Or better yet, since "marriage" is really a verb, what are you committing to DO? (How do you intend to make your definintion of marriage come alive day in and day out?) Write down your answers in simple words and phrases. Then join them together, making sentences that tell the story of the kind of person you intend to be in living out a committed life with your partner.

Voila, vows!

And do know: the more precisely you answer these questions, the more the universe will conspire to assist you in living your answer.

Sweet Charity.

In order to know "delight," we must also, unfortunately, know "suffering." One does not exist without the other. So, make something sweet and meaningful out of the delight of your wedding day by dedicating the merit of your love to world peace. Ex: As the very first ceremonial action (after your walk down the aisle), invite your maid of honor to light a candle and say something like this: "Today, may the merit of Tom and Natalie's love serve to enhance world peace."

This simple expression of generosity costs nothing, yet it opens the hearts of everyone present and adds to the glow of your wedding day.

Pets and the Wedding Party.

I worked in Hollywood for many years as an executive in PR and marketing for several major film studios. There's a saying among actors: "Never work with animals; they'll upstage you every time."

Thinking about giving Tinkerbell a spot in the wedding party line-up? Heed the wisdom of Hollywood. Keep the competition home and the spotlight on yourself. Bring home a doggie bag full of Martha-inspired wedding-day treats for your beloved pooch. Take a picture together. Put it in your album. And leave it at that. Pooch will love you happily-ever-after either way.

Question Authority!

Want a fresh idea for your wedding ceremony? Send me your question: tracy@ceremonies.info

The Bridal Bouquet & Smelly June Brides.

It's true! In the 1500s, most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty decent by June. But just to be safe, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide their body odor. Hence the custom of carrying a bouquet when walking down the aisle!

Is this tradition fitting for YOU?

Consider these questions to put a personal and updated stamp on a smelly old tradition: What is it about carrying a bouquet that appeals to you in this day and age? How did you choose the kinds of flowers you will carry? What is it about them that makes them your favorite? Does the color or variety have special significance to you, your groom or your family? You can use your answers to write up a brief explanation for your officiant, or one of your bridesmaids, to read during your ceremony. The result makes new and relevant meaning of an otherwise outdated tradition -- and will keep your guests from falling asleep after seeing the same "tradition" repeated for the umpteenth time.

Perfection.

Let's talk about this obsession with perfection. The perfect bride. The perfect groom. The perfect gown. The perfect cake. The perfect day! "Perfection" wins the prize for "Most Overused Word" in the wedding industry.

If it's true that the wedding day sets the stage for your life together, then you'd better throw perfection to the wind. Here's the formula, it's simple: 1. Do your homework. 2. Plan as best you can. 3. Then just be!

If you've given yourself some good lead time, enjoy yourself. Get the magazines. Talk to friends. Dream your dreams. Try on the dresses. Pick your best friends and annoint them bridesmaids and groomsmen. (Or better yet don't...but that's a subject for another day.) Meet different officiants to get a sense of who performs what kinds of ceremonies. Gather your ideas and create a concept.

Once you've honed in on your vision for your day, do the leg work of planning. This is the part where you put a deposit on your location. Visit the caterer and pick your menu. Talk to the florist and pick your flowers. Choose the dress or outfit you'll wear and begin alterations. Select your music. Lock in your officiant. Order and mail out the invites. Make your final checklist of all the things you still need to do. And then do those things.

Then just be. As in, let go of the details and let the day unfold. Some of the best moments happen because they weren't planned. One such unplanned event happened at my friends Linda and John's wedding. At the end of the walk down the aisle, the bride had some steps to ascend to meet her groom. She started up the steps -- and fell flat on her face. There was nothing pretty about it. She wasn't hurt, but this was no staged prat fall. Flat out. All fours splayed. On her face. At the party afterward, no one said a word about it. Not because they didn't want to cause her embarrassment, but because the grace with which she got up and the grin with which she said "oh well" let everyone know that she would handle the inevitable imperfections of her marriage -- and her life -- with an equally graceful, undaunted spirit. That was inspiring. And being inspired is one of the best things that can happen at a wedding. It makes a wedding, well, just perfect!