Bride Abductions & The Longing for "Tradition"

I'm always fascinated when brides and grooms say to me that they want a "traditional" wedding. If weddings are traced back to their roots, we find that women were stolen from villages to become brides. The "groomsmen" were the men who accompanied the abductor with swords and knives to make sure the abduction of the bride was successful. The "bridesmaids" were the women in the new household to whom the bride became a slave. The "bouquet" was meant to hide the fact that brides were smelly; bathing wasn't as common as it is today.

And believe it or not, this kind of "tradition" still exists in some places in the world. Filmmaker Petr Lom's PBS film, "The Kidnapped Bride," documents his travels to Kyrgyzstan, where an ancient "tradition" of bride kidnapping, banned by the Soviets, is resurgent now that Kyrgyzstan is no longer under Russian rule. Young women are kidnapped right off the street -- sometimes because the male abductor wants to get married and likes her looks; sometimes because his mother insists he go down the mountain and into the city to kidnap a bride --because she, the mother, needs help tending the sheep!

Back here in the U.S., I think what really lies behind today's couples' longing for tradition is the desire to feel grounded in the experience of becoming married. To feel as though when the day comes, you are stepping onto a well-built platform that will remain sturdy over time. So, rather than turning to old-time rituals, simply examine the values and behaviors that make your partnership work and the ways of loving each other that have called you to marriage. These are your personal "traditions"! Naming your principles for partnership and ritualizing them in uniquely personal ways is what sets up that stabilizing foundation for your marriage. This is how you create an authentic feeling of groundedness on your wedding day.

So, for those who think they want a "traditional wedding," consider carefully how you define "wedding tradition."


An interview with documentary filmmaker Petr Lom on "The Kidnapped Bride ":http://www.pbs.org/frontlineworld/stories/kyrgyzstan/